Hammy In A Wheel

I broke down and took a half an Ativan tonight.  Yeah, I said broke down.  Even though I have felt the anxiety off and on for a few weeks in my chest, I just tried to breathe through it.  I can handle it.  I’m a big girl!  Look how strong I have gotten over the past two years!  And then it hit me.

This felt like the exact same road I had been on in the past.  Worried about my  heart beating kinda strange, going to get tests done that all turn out OK, then one day, lo and behold, I find myself in the ER of the local hospital, feeling like I am going to die.  Panic Attack.

I don’t want that to happen again.  I need to remember if I need a pill, then dammit take a pill.

It is not a weakness.  It just is.  Like diabetes or high blood pressure.  I have panic disorder.  It comes and goes, but the possibility is there as a constant.

There has been just so much going on with my little man.  Try this, try that, talk to him or her and try this or that again, and on and on.  I just feel like nothing is helping him and just like a hamster in a wheel, going, but going nowhere.  It’s frustrating.  I am feeling at the end of my rope because no one will be on the same page, which is what little man needs most.  Which in turn gives me anxiety.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.