And no.  More cowbell ain’t fixin this!

I knew last night when I was driving home from work that I was starting to come down with something.  That little strange feeling on the one side of my throat…

I feel like shiz.  Hoping the green tea helps.




Is the first day of the rest of your life…

I said that to the main man this morning, and guess what. It truly is. His settlement for divorce is accepted and paperwork on the way to get finalized. I am just thrilled!


Okay, maybe obsession isn’t the right word.

More like my vice.  My out.  My escape.  Some drink.  Some do drugs.

Blogging WAS my drug.  My drug of choice at the time.  And it got me through some really rough times, so I am reading.  I can’t believe where I was, and how far I have come.  It’s amazing.

I miss blogging.  It was fun.  But it was me avoiding the the real world trying to make friends the easy way.  And I did.  It made me feel liked, accepted, and important, because hell, I sure wasn’t getting any of that where I needed to be getting that.  But that was then.  And that is a big reason why I am where I am now.

Growth.  Change.  Acceptance.

My rah rah club is right where I want it.



I had to go back on the old blog and just take a look at where I was three years ago…

My Anxieties

Posted by: ~R on: September 13, 2008

In: Uncategorized

Judy (my new therapist) wanted me to write down some things to talk about next week at therapy. So I decided, since the whole reason I am going there now is because of my recent, horrifying panic attack, that I would begin to list everything that makes me anxious, and I would like to share them with you. So far, this is what I have come up with.

-Holding things in. Someone hurts me and I just grin and bear it to avoid conflict. I let it eat away at me instead of stepping up and letting them know they have hurt me.

-Worry about making a mistake at work and getting in trouble (conflict) or getting fired over it

-Anxious about meeting with counselors/teachers at school about my kids

-Worried about my upcoming surgery

-Feeling stifled, like I can’t say things I want to say for fear of hurting anyone

-Worried about what my peers think of me

-Worried about something bad happening to our family

-Going to any kind of social event such as parties, holiday get togethers, meetings outside the office for work

and much much more.

Now I know these things may seem like normal, everyday fears. But to me they are much more than that. They make me feel nauseous, dizzy, and my heart pounds. I guess I make mountains out of molehills, but that is me, and I don’t know what to do about it. That is hopefully where Judy comes in.

Yesterday I decided to take the Ativan and cut it in half. So I took it twice yesterday and my heart felt fine. I will do the same today, and the next day, and the next day. Because I don’t have a depression issue, it’s an anxiety issue. And it sucks. But thank goodness for meds, because I don’t want to have a panic attack again…EVER.