And no.  More cowbell ain’t fixin this!

I knew last night when I was driving home from work that I was starting to come down with something.  That little strange feeling on the one side of my throat…

I feel like shiz.  Hoping the green tea helps.




Is the first day of the rest of your life…

I said that to the main man this morning, and guess what. It truly is. His settlement for divorce is accepted and paperwork on the way to get finalized. I am just thrilled!


Okay, maybe obsession isn’t the right word.

More like my vice.  My out.  My escape.  Some drink.  Some do drugs.

Blogging WAS my drug.  My drug of choice at the time.  And it got me through some really rough times, so I am reading.  I can’t believe where I was, and how far I have come.  It’s amazing.

I miss blogging.  It was fun.  But it was me avoiding the the real world trying to make friends the easy way.  And I did.  It made me feel liked, accepted, and important, because hell, I sure wasn’t getting any of that where I needed to be getting that.  But that was then.  And that is a big reason why I am where I am now.

Growth.  Change.  Acceptance.

My rah rah club is right where I want it.



I had to go back on the old blog and just take a look at where I was three years ago…

My Anxieties

Posted by: ~R on: September 13, 2008

In: Uncategorized

Judy (my new therapist) wanted me to write down some things to talk about next week at therapy. So I decided, since the whole reason I am going there now is because of my recent, horrifying panic attack, that I would begin to list everything that makes me anxious, and I would like to share them with you. So far, this is what I have come up with.

-Holding things in. Someone hurts me and I just grin and bear it to avoid conflict. I let it eat away at me instead of stepping up and letting them know they have hurt me.

-Worry about making a mistake at work and getting in trouble (conflict) or getting fired over it

-Anxious about meeting with counselors/teachers at school about my kids

-Worried about my upcoming surgery

-Feeling stifled, like I can’t say things I want to say for fear of hurting anyone

-Worried about what my peers think of me

-Worried about something bad happening to our family

-Going to any kind of social event such as parties, holiday get togethers, meetings outside the office for work

and much much more.

Now I know these things may seem like normal, everyday fears. But to me they are much more than that. They make me feel nauseous, dizzy, and my heart pounds. I guess I make mountains out of molehills, but that is me, and I don’t know what to do about it. That is hopefully where Judy comes in.

Yesterday I decided to take the Ativan and cut it in half. So I took it twice yesterday and my heart felt fine. I will do the same today, and the next day, and the next day. Because I don’t have a depression issue, it’s an anxiety issue. And it sucks. But thank goodness for meds, because I don’t want to have a panic attack again…EVER.

It’s Been A While

I have so much to blog about but just don’t seem to have the time or the energy to do it!  My OLD blog was my passion at the time.  It consumed me day and night.  Now, my passion is everything else!  Busy, trying to learn more about B’s “condition”, better myself, etc.

I will blog again soon 🙂

Hammy In A Wheel

I broke down and took a half an Ativan tonight.  Yeah, I said broke down.  Even though I have felt the anxiety off and on for a few weeks in my chest, I just tried to breathe through it.  I can handle it.  I’m a big girl!  Look how strong I have gotten over the past two years!  And then it hit me.

This felt like the exact same road I had been on in the past.  Worried about my  heart beating kinda strange, going to get tests done that all turn out OK, then one day, lo and behold, I find myself in the ER of the local hospital, feeling like I am going to die.  Panic Attack.

I don’t want that to happen again.  I need to remember if I need a pill, then dammit take a pill.

It is not a weakness.  It just is.  Like diabetes or high blood pressure.  I have panic disorder.  It comes and goes, but the possibility is there as a constant.

There has been just so much going on with my little man.  Try this, try that, talk to him or her and try this or that again, and on and on.  I just feel like nothing is helping him and just like a hamster in a wheel, going, but going nowhere.  It’s frustrating.  I am feeling at the end of my rope because no one will be on the same page, which is what little man needs most.  Which in turn gives me anxiety.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.







Jeez, I haven’t written in SO LONG, I am wondering if I’ve still got it!

I am the type of person that has many interests.  Many, many, many.  I am also the type of person that wants to learn, and learn it NOW!  This attitude sometimes gets me into some trouble.

So… I’ve been feeling like I have bitten off a bit more than I can chew.  Two other people also told me that THEY think I have too much on my plate.  They can see the stress in my shoulders (and how I can never seem to have them down and relaxed) and on my broken out face.  Yeah at almost 42, I figured that breakouts would be a thing of the past.  Nope.  Gee, I just had to put my shoulders down.  Deep breath…shoulders down.

I guess you are wondering what on earth it is that makes my life so busy!  I will give you the Cliff Notes version, and explain later!

  • Son with Asperger’s, med appointments, therapy appointments, support for me to learn how to handle him, and on and on.
  • Me learning about Integrative Nutrition from an amazing woman and trying to apply these things to my life.  Eating healthier, and taking care of ME
  • Yoga every Friday morning (LOVE AND NEED THIS)
  • Stepmom group call three times a month with tons of homework
  • Entertainment for 5 kids every other weekend
  • Work 30 hours a week
  • and all the other wifey-ish/mom stuff that comes along with it!

So I dropped the Stepmom stuff.  I have learned quite a bit already so I will roll with that.  It’s just too much to do.  I am OK with that, and not beating myself up about it.  And B (my little man) needs my help now more than ever, so that is my main “to do” at the moment.

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